Our own cat scares me sometimes

Okay, I know Tuck is only a cat and I outweigh him by a good 150 pounds... but he's as smart as hell.

How do I know this? Lots of people I know have cats and I've never seen them do the following:

• Open doors - All types of doors - room, closet, cabinet, and now he knows how to detach our screen door magnet and let himself outside. He can escape at will now and it's like hunting "The Fugitive" nightly.
• He knows what time it is to be fed within 5 minutes. Our cat has timers to feed him otherwise he would eat until he exploded. If a timer is off then he will come and get you and lead you back to the timer and nod his head at it saying "It's not working - feed me now." The timer's aren't that accurate... I can get them close, but never exact. I know what time he is supposed to be fed, and he knows this also.
• Tools - a cat's best friend. Yep, he knows how to use tools. He can take forks and knives and prod underneath things to get food under paper towels or in bowls. It's funny watching him do it, but he can.
• If people show fear of him, he's on them and will not let up. Our cat is 16 lbs. and big boned.... he's not fat. His way if seeing if a new person is a chicken is by hissing at them. If they ignore him he will leave them alone. If they approach him and try to pet him after the initial hiss usually he will stand his ground and let the person pet him (reluctantly). If they react in fear he will charge them and try to move them to the door. He also will not let up until they are out the door. My own father won't enter the house without a water bottle (Tuck's only weakness). I've never seen other cats corral people and force them out the door.
• He knows how to push buttons... for good and evil. With Michelle he knows he gets more of a reaction if he's cuddly. With me he knows I pay more attention if he's doing something bad or in the process of destroying something. Since our house is on the market he's not too pleased with all the people coming through. He's been pretty cold to me (he assumes I'm causing this torment somehow). On Monday I was upstairs and came downstairs to my office. He was leaving and had a quite content look on his face. I went into my office and noticed that he decided to drop a load right where my chair was and right at the foot (it cleans up pretty easy, it's just disgusting). We use cleaner on it and it smells pretty chemical-like and I had to move my chair to avoid breathing in the fumes. He was pretty pleased with my reaction to the "Cat BioTerrorism".

I'm sure people have their own cat stories, but if he starts talking we're all in trouble.